I call it the Pause and it is truly a relationship saver. Imagine the last argument you had with your partner. Think about the most angry, volatile moments in that argument. Now imagine if one or the other had paused … somewhere, at some point in the argument.
Perfecting the Pause will require a lot from you. It’s not just about stepping back and taking a moment to breathe and re-group, it is about stepping away from your own ego, the need to make your point, to be right or to get the last word because you can’t let the other person win! What if you knew that it would dramatically improve your relationship? It can!
So, here’s how you do it. Inform your partner prior to beginning this new behavior about the steps you are going to take if your discussion is beginning to go south. Explain that you are going to try to do the following: Step back, take a breath and a time out (which may mean taking a walk, going to another room, etc.).
What will this do? It will calm the stress chemicals that fuel nasy interactions. It will give both of you an opportunity to re-gain clarity. It will give you time to ask yourself these questions: What do I really want from him/her? Am I going to get what I want by yelling and screaming? Does it really matter who wins because we are both losing? Is this going to bring us closer? and lastly, What is going to bring us closer?
Try this for a few weeks and see how it goes…
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