There so much stress in people’s lives these days that it is no wonder marriages are struggling more than ever. No time, less money, more complicated parenting issues, etc., etc., etc., I have to say that I absolutely LOVE working with couples. I enjoy the energy and the dynamics–there is often a lot of soul even when there is a lot of turmoil. I find it extremely satisfying to watch two people engage and know within a pretty short period of time where things are going awry. Of course, it isn’t a walk in the park after that but it’s a starting point. Couples are usually surprised when after a hour I can say… “Hey this is what you are doing and if you both keep doing this and that…your relationship isn’t going anywhere except south.”
Of course, different couples have different issues and there is a continuum of difficulty and severity.The most difficult situation is when one or the other has no interest in being in therapy and has been dragged there (usually by his wife– sorry, I don’t mean to be sexist here but it’s true about 90% of the time). In some cases, the husband has no idea how miserable they really are until they arrive in my office. Terry Real, a Boston based relationship counselor often says that men don’t know they are unhappy until their wives are unhappy. Sounds about right, no?
More important than that are the acts of loving and cherishing that are missing in most marriages. For me, this is the  predominant issue in marriages. We go to battle with our partners and forget the most essential thing…we love this person that we are angry with. Suddenly, it is as if we are talking to some stranger–actually most of the people I see in counseling, at least in the early stages of counseling, are way nicer to strangers than they are to each other.
So, here’s the exercise or homework. The next time you find yourself in an argument with your partner, even if you are seething with anger, even if he or she has done this horrible, terrible, selfish thing–stop yourself, take a breath, close your eyes and repeat these words in your head– “I am talking to the man/woman I love.” Focus on something you did love about them before they really enraged you. Keep doing this until you find yourself softening. Now speak. Tell you partner what you are upset about. If you find yourself losing “that loving feeling”, stop again, breathe and bring that remembrance of love close to you. Most of the things we need to share, complain about and feel bad about are real–it’s the delivery that ruins it all. If you can remember love, you will soften the delivery of your message. In the end, you are most likely to get heard and maybe even get what you are looking for–Is it love?