“You Change and I will be happy”
At the heart of every conflict, disappointment and relational frustration is the idea that if the other person changes we will be happier. Think about your last disagreement with someone you cared about. Was there an intense need to have that other person see things your way and just get on with the business of doing or stop doing the action? Most likely, it didn’t happen and instead a semi-war ensued between you.
When I think about what happens in relationships I get an instant image of a toy I had when I was a child called the ”Chinese Finger Trap”. Remember it? Each person placed one of their index fingers into the end of a small woven (usually some type of bamboo material) cylinder. Once inside, the initial instinct is to pull your finger outward to escape which ultimately tightens the cylinder and traps the fingers more.
The actual way out is to push your fingers to the middle which releases the tension, enlarges the opening and allows each person to slowly twist their finger out.
Asking or expecting another person to change is rarely the solution to relationship problems. Demanding it, begging for it, insisting that you are right, pointing out all the ways that the person has harmed you with their behaviors, none of these will get your relationship anywhere good.
While we often focus on what we aren’t getting from someone else, it is important to be honest about ourselves. None of us are perfect and most likely we aren’t as “giving” as we imagine ourselves to be–particularly if we aren’t getting something we believe is vital to our well-being. Most likely, we are kicking up a lot of dirt and rejecting all of the person we are disappointed with, not only the part that isn’t meeting our needs.
Acceptance fosters change better than anything I’ve tried thus far. And, the acceptance is both internal and external. At the heart of it is that we shouldn’t need someone to change in order to find happiness. We should all be ok, if disappointed, disheartened, or even dismayed by another. Remember, we have choices. Unless a relationship is abusive, I can still take care of myself, find some joy and be happy even when the other in my life isn’t being everything I want him or her to be. It takes practice but it is doable and well worth the effort. When I am happy just being me as opposed to having someone do or be something for me to be ahppy I feel at ease in the world — without anguish, without desperate, just calm and just me.
At the heart of most conflict, disappointment and relational frustration is the idea that if the other person would only change, you would be happier. Think about your last disagreement with someone you cared about. Was there an intense need to have that other person see things your way?
Did you plead your case and give a number of reasons why he or she should just stop doing what they were doing? Were you unable to stop the argument because you wanted to be sure he or she knew you were right?
When I think about what happens in relationships I get an instant image of a toy I had when I was a child called the ”Chinese Finger Trap”. Remember it? Each person placed one of their index fingers into the end of a small woven (usually some type of bamboo material) cylinder. Once inside, the initial instinct is to pull your finger outward to escape which ultimately tightens the cylinder and traps the fingers more.
The actual way out is to push your fingers to the middle which releases the tension, enlarges the opening and allows each person to slowly twist their finger out. Asking or expecting another person to change is rarely the solution to relationship problems. Demanding it, begging for it, insisting that you are right, pointing out all the ways that the person has harmed you with their behaviors, none of these will get your relationship to the next level or out of emotional paralysis.
While we often focus on what we aren’t getting from someone else, it is important to be honest about ourselves. None of us are perfect and most likely we aren’t as “giving” as we imagine ourselves to be–particularly if we aren’t getting something we believe is vital to our well-being. Most likely, we are kicking up a lot of dirt and rejecting all of the person we are disappointed with, not only the part that isn’t meeting our needs.
Acceptance in others fosters change better than anything I’ve tried thus far. The acceptance has to occur internally. Truth is, we can’t need someone to change in order to find happiness. It is all right to feel disappointed, disheartened, or even dismayed by another. At the same time, it is vital that you learn how to care for yourself and be able to find some joy and be happy even when the “other” isn’t being everything I want him or her to be.
It takes practice but it is doable and well worth the effort. When I am happy just being me as opposed to having someone do or be something for me to be happy, I feel at ease in the world — without anguish, without feeling desperate for validation. I am just calm and just me.
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