You’re between 40 and 60 and lately you’ve beem asking yourself if you are really happy. Prior to this you may have been too busy to think about being happy or fulfilled but suddenly you realize you aren’t—happy that is. It could come slowly with a few inner rumblings that increase over several months or even years but a friend of mine said that she was feeling as if “I got dropped on my head”.
At first you think you are depressed but you aren’t sure why. Midlife musings and questions can certainly trigger feelings of loss, sadness and confusion (and can lead to more serious depression if the issues aren’t acknowledged and worked through). There’s generally a landmark of some kind that gets things rolling—a big birthday, kids leaving for college, moving out, marrying, a job transfer, or a job you are afraid to leave but know you have to and the big one—a divorce.
And then you read something or someone suggests that you are going through a “midlife crisis”. [Read More...]
I believe revisions are a healthy part of life. When I speak about a life revision I am thinking about a process that involves exploring and questioning where you are today and what you imagine your future to be. It’s about asking yourself questions and discovering whether you are being true to yourself–does your life feel like yours and if not, what is it you need to do to make it yours. None of this requires that you make any changes, it’s just your own personal question and answer process that may or may not lead to changes both large and small. Here are some ideas to get you started on your personal exploration and potential revision.
–Assess where you are in your life whether you are 20 or 70.
–Know you can make choices about the future and never, ever, let yourself believe it’s ever too late
–Create some goals
–Chart a new path
–Take tiny steps and set small goals. Clean out a drawer rather than then take on the whole house.
–Do one thing a month you haven’t ever done before
–Keep a journal and write something each week
I recently read this quote in a book by M.J. Ryan called “This Year I Will…” and I was drawn to it–perhaps because I am venturing into the coaching world and coaching focuses on quicker movement, less of the past and a lot planning for the future. It’s essentially less talk and more action. This is not unlike how I practice as a therapist. I often used the addiction example and have the belief that soon after you admit your addiction (you aren’t ready to do much introspection or personal growth without that), you have to get on to the business of stopping the addiction. In other words, you have to do the action piece – namely to stop drinking, stop gambling, stop smoking, etc. [Read More...]
Step 1. Relinquish the need to “win” an argument. Think about this–if someone “wins”, the other person in the relationship loses. In the end, both parties lose. Think of disagreements/arguments as communication errors and just sit and talk. Agree to disagree and find a fair compromise.
Step 2. Do NOT email when you are upset or angry. This is a true relationship destroyer. Emails have an edge to them and if you really want to mend, this is not the medium to do it with.
Step 3. Write a letter to the other in the relationship. Express why you are upset and what you are looking for as a result of your disagreement. Give yourself the freedom to write anything you want in the letter. Now, rip it up. You’ve had the opportunity to vent in a safe way and get some of the anger out. This is like letting some air out of a balloon before it breaks. Venting is not constructive. Name calling is not constructive. Time to settle in and settle down is a gift to the relationship.
Good luck and if you use any of these suggestions feel free to comment.
When I was a child I painfully recall being told I was average. Although I wasn’t completely sure what that meant I had the distinct sense there was nothing (at the moment) different or unique about me that would distinguish me from others. I was as Webster would say average
typical; common; ordinary: “the average person”. And no, this isn’t a blog post about how my parents messed me up and how much therapy I’ve needed to correct it… no, it’s nothing about that at all. It’s about the labels we put upon ourselves as well as the ones we are given by others and how likely we are to begin to identify ourselves with “smart”, “pretty”, “unattractive”, “fat”, “skinny”, ”funny”, “geek”, “nerd”, “shy”, there’s no end to the list of labels. [Read More...]
As I sit here writing this morning’s blog my dog is lying across my feet sleeping. Just a minute ago he was standing between me and a stranger that had come to the door. He is by NO MEANS a security or protection dog but every now and then he pretends and I like it. I always loved dogs and imagined that I would have one or more but then the reality of life happened and I couldn’t figure out how to fit a dog into it. A dog needed to be walked and fed. They make a mess especially if you have a backyard and have had a winter and almost spring like we’ve experienced on the east coast. I am forever cleaning off a wet and muddy dog–and he’s white so picture that. I used to be so neat. I used to make the kids crazy. I couldn’t have imagined the joy of muddy floors (that hasn’t happened yet). One day I gave in and I’m not sure why but it happened. It was like the urge I suddenly felt to have a baby–it just came upon me. In the first 5 months of her life, our golden retriever puppy ate door frames and window sills, flip-flops, toilet paper, paper towels and the leg of a kitchen chair. We once caught her with her teeth around a tree. And I laughed at all of it. I spackled and painted, mopped and scrubbed. For the first time in perhaps forever, I just didn’t care. It didn’t seem so important that the house be perfect–in fact, it was a relief to take that weight off myself. Our dog made our life lighter, connected our family in a new way and gave us all something to smile at. We took pictures when we found her atop (and asleep) on a roll of toilet paper that she had unrolled and made a bed for herself. We made a movie as she ripped a basket of magazines to shreds (The Dog Whisperer would certainly have his thoughts about this). We were grief stricken when our first dog died suddenly and mourned together. We had all learned something more about love–how to love simply and be loved unconditionally.
I’m not suggesting that everyone run out and get a dog. Certainly, this is not for everyone and the commitment is huge. And you don’t or shouldn’t really need anything to help you to laugh and love. It’s just sometimes you need something and it can be anything to give you perspective–to love another living being with simplicity and less neediness. My dog reminds me to come back to that place of being–just being.
It’s certainly not a bad thing to have dreams and goals and in fact none of us go anywhere without a vision for the future. But for many of us those “dreams” turn quickly into judgments and leave us with an empty feeling inside– as if we aren’t good enough unless THE dream comes true. How do we turn our thoughts into action without making us susceptible to those feelings of failure should things not go according to plan? Are we only successful when we reach a certain destination? To be truthful, it isn’t easy to stay focused on what’s really important when we make plans, allow ourselves to have dreams, hope, wish… We live in a society where accomplishments are measured by what we have and where we are going. If we don’t happen to be somewhere yet there is always the possibility we can feel let down, ashamed, angry, anxious, etc.
You can make a plan without becoming so attached to it that you will feel a sense of despair if your plan doesn’t work out
State your intentions
Have several sets of goals — a least a few that are easily attainable. You DO have to walk before you run!
Keep a set of gold stars (really) – I have some tiny heart stickers and give yourself one every time you accomplish something. Don’t judge the size of the success. Eating one cookie less, reading one paragraph more, going to sleep 15 minutes earlier, being nice to someone, think of everything you do that’s different as success.
I had a dream that I was painting and woke up this morning sure I was going to have a piece of charcoal in my hand.In my dream I had been drawing one of my “usual” female faces but I had done something unique with the background which looked like a blurry puzzel. But I woke up empty handed and a bit disappointed that I had nothing to show for the creativity that had emerged in my dream.In fact I had done nothing but sleep and dream of being creative. You might be thinking that I got myself up and began to do my creative thing but that is exactly what didn’t happen. Instead I got into my usual routine of being acceptably productive — answering emails, writing lists, doing household chores and preparing for a new week to begin. It wasn’t that I did nothing… I did a lot but still I had this sense of being “off” even a bit edgy almost anxious. And then it dawned on me that I have been ignoring my creative self.The only time I seem to have for my artistic self these days is in my dreams so it makes sense that I am feeling out of synch with myself.I know I should know better — I do this for a living — help others find their way to what is truly important and personally rewarding. But it isn’t easy to keep ourselves from being buried under the have to’s and lose the other have to’s — the ones that make us feel connected, the ones that help us to know, the ones that help us to feel free to think and grow. My art does this for me — it clears a path to all kinds of knowing and when I go too long without it, my head gets blurry like the background of the drawing from my dream.
I know my experience is a common one so here are a few tips to help you get more connected to yourself -
1. Take 5 minutes each day to stop thinking
2. Make a “to do” list that has nothing to do with work or chores
3. Keep a journal — or two – make one your “bucket list”
4. Keep a mood journal for a week. Record your mood on a scale from 1-10. Try to do this 2-3x’s/day. Watch for patterns
State tuned for more on mood journals…
