Ever catch yourself uttering those words? Perhaps you feel “less than” because you see others juggling their tasks with grace. No matter what they have on their metaphorical plates, it looks easy. I’m often guilty myself — that feeling of wanting to take on as much as I can — prove to some under-developed part of my brain that I can do anything. Did someone tell me that that was a good thing? Did someone tell me that the only moment I could stay “no” was when I was on emotional and physical overload. But why wait? Why wait until you are so tired it takes more than half a vacation to feel “normal”? I believe New Year’s resolutions should be changed to “Anytime” resolutions, so that you can make a list any time. How about creating an affirmation or reminder that goes something like this — “I’m great even if I can only get one thing done in a day” — or give yourself permission to lie on a hammock somewhere warm, sway and be content to feel a breeze.
Fight Fair!
The first relationship that child ever sees is the one their parents have — for better and for worse, that’s it for a very, very long time (at least from a romantic liason point of view). What we teach them when we interact with our partners is how to interact — kids are more “show” than “tell” — you can tell them how to act but if you aren’t modeling it, forget it!
So what does this mean in the scheme of things? First, you don’t have to stop arguing. It’s healthy for kids to see their parents disagreeing and even in a heated way. Passionate disagreements are great… as long as they stay within the disagreement line. Being insulting, calling your partner stupid, telling him or her that they don’t know anything, or proclaiming your right to be right is out of bounds. One of the most important things to teach when you are in the midst of a heated conflict is that sometimes the conflict ends without a resolution and that can be o.k. When people don’t agree on things they can still find a solution that fits some of the needs, if not all of them. Fighting to the finish where all that’s left is blood and gore and one or two devastated, worn out people, is not the goal. Fight with passion don’t fight to win. Your kids will thank you later on in life that you taught them how to be in a relationship where both people respect the other’s opinion even if it isn’t their own
The first relationship that child ever sees is the one their parents have — for better and for worse, that’s it for a very, very long time (at least from a romantic liaison point of view). [Read More...]
Pema Chodron encourages us to see problems as opportunities and instead of trying to run from discomfort, she advocates trying to stay with our discomfort long enough to learn about ourselves. Fortunately, she doesn’t say that this is an easy feat but offers encouragement when trying to break the habit of reaching for the temporary “fix” — whatever it may be, that gives relief — always temporary . She suggests feeling and observing our discomforts, becoming more fully present in our lives, learning how to be truly here, now. Only through this process, she says, can we experience the deep joy of being alive.
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Stop,Look and LISTEN
Remember the instructions you were given when you were first learning to cross the street? Stop, Look & Listen. It’s amazing how certain phrases and sayings just have a way of staying with you and this one is definitely one that we are all familiar with. As a therapist I get the opportunity to witness people’s communications patterns and in couples therapy I get to witness not only the individual but the interaction between the two people. One evening I was working with a couple and the old familiar Stop, Look & Listen came to mind. Why is it I wondered that we don’t do the same thing with the people we cherish that we do when crossing a street? Why is it we can’t “stop” unless there’s a fear of on-coming traffic or life threatening consequences? And so I decided to engage this couple in that three part action — stopping the conversation when it gets out of hand, looking at their partner, friend, child, etc., to get a good look at their expression and body language and then listening or pausing to listen to that person you really care about. It takes less than 30 seconds to calm yourself down (counting while you are trying really helps) enough to see the other person. And the whole “stop, look & listen” thing can generally be accomplished in less than 5 minutes and the results? Amazing!
Remember the instructions you were given when you were first learning to cross the street? “Stop, Look & Listen”. It’s amazing how certain phrases and sayings just have a way of staying with you and this one is definitely one that we are all familiar with. [Read More...]
O.K., I admit it — I went into a bookstore and bought the book “Spirituality For Dummies”. Years of telling myself that while I don’t feel that I am a religious person, I know I often feel something. Whether that “thing” is the “greater than myself thing,” I still don’t know – I’m only on page 20. [Read More...]
Years ago a woman wrote a personal column in the New York Times about parents and sleep-away camp. I remember laughing so hard my belly hurt. At least 15 years later, I still remember it. She described the two types of parents she had come to know through her experiences as a parent of a child attending sleep-away camp. The first type lingered in the parking lot long after the buses had departed. They hid red noses and swollen, tear filled eyes with dark sunglasses. The other group of parents were cheering, jumping up and down at their newfound freedom. Reservations had been made for dinners out, vacations and “staycations” as they are now called. Why leave your house when it was finally yours?
I remember the looks I received from those parents and the shame I felt as I sobbed (the loudest) and wiped my nose until it hurt.
I was one of those parents in the first group and admittedly, I still am. When my son left for his junior year abroad, I cried so hard I couldn’t catch my breath. I was counfounded (and a little annoyed) by a mother who was standing beside me who had one perfectly placed tear on her cheek. “How does she do that?” I asked my husband as I wiped my running nose on his shirt. Tactfully, he didn’t answer me.
I have weathered a multitude of separations from my sons. There was camp,college,trips abroad,a year abroad and once again last Sunday, the return to college of my youngest son.I imagined it would be easier this year–he wasn’t leaving for a year abroad. I can hop in my car anytime and have the physical experience of a hug– something that Skype (although indispensable to us while our son was in Europe) can’t give you. And it IS easier. I don’t cry for weeks prior. I can breathe when I say goodbye. Within a few days, a new norm is established.
I relish my clean house and less laundry but the quiet is loud, particularly because I enjoy the conversations I have with my sons. Their laughter is contagious. Their youth, enthusiasm and dreams for the future keep my own mind ready and active.
But all this leave-taking is a reminder to cherish each moment. I know we all find this so challenging. We live in a chaotic, and challenging world and time. And I don’t care what anybody says, time IS going faster. But I’m working on making all the moments count, I know how important it is to remember to be present FOR the moment IN the moment. And every now and then I wonder, would I really stop time if I could?
Years ago a woman wrote a personal column in the New York Times about parents and sleep-away camp. I remember laughing so hard my belly hurt. At least 15 years later, I still remember it. She described the two types of parents she had come to know through her experiences as a parent of a child attending sleep-away camp. The first type lingered in the parking lot long after the buses had departed. They hid red noses and swollen, tear filled eyes with dark sunglasses. [Read More...]
I’m now writing on Hubpages.com as well as my Blog. I will be posting additional articles here, there and on ezine.com. This week’s articles are on self-validating and parenting in the 21st century. I hope you enjoy them.
“You Change and I will be happy”
At the heart of every conflict, disappointment and relational frustration is the idea that if the other person changes we will be happier. Think about your last disagreement with someone you cared about. Was there an intense need to have that other person see things your way and just get on with the business of doing or stop doing the action? Most likely, it didn’t happen and instead a semi-war ensued between you.
When I think about what happens in relationships I get an instant image of a toy I had when I was a child called the ”Chinese Finger Trap”. Remember it? Each person placed one of their index fingers into the end of a small woven (usually some type of bamboo material) cylinder. Once inside, the initial instinct is to pull your finger outward to escape which ultimately tightens the cylinder and traps the fingers more.
The actual way out is to push your fingers to the middle which releases the tension, enlarges the opening and allows each person to slowly twist their finger out.
Asking or expecting another person to change is rarely the solution to relationship problems. Demanding it, begging for it, insisting that you are right, pointing out all the ways that the person has harmed you with their behaviors, none of these will get your relationship anywhere good.
While we often focus on what we aren’t getting from someone else, it is important to be honest about ourselves. None of us are perfect and most likely we aren’t as “giving” as we imagine ourselves to be–particularly if we aren’t getting something we believe is vital to our well-being. Most likely, we are kicking up a lot of dirt and rejecting all of the person we are disappointed with, not only the part that isn’t meeting our needs.
Acceptance fosters change better than anything I’ve tried thus far. And, the acceptance is both internal and external. At the heart of it is that we shouldn’t need someone to change in order to find happiness. We should all be ok, if disappointed, disheartened, or even dismayed by another. Remember, we have choices. Unless a relationship is abusive, I can still take care of myself, find some joy and be happy even when the other in my life isn’t being everything I want him or her to be. It takes practice but it is doable and well worth the effort. When I am happy just being me as opposed to having someone do or be something for me to be ahppy I feel at ease in the world — without anguish, without desperate, just calm and just me.
At the heart of most conflict, disappointment and relational frustration is the idea that if the other person would only change, you would be happier. Think about your last disagreement with someone you cared about. Was there an intense need to have that other person see things your way?
